We have all read "coming-of-age" novels where the hero/heroine faces a challenge and becomes a better person out of a difficult situation. J.D. Salinger's "Catcher-in-the-Rye" comes to mind for many people. I know this sounds way silly, but E.B. White's "Stuart Little" was my own personal coming-of-age story when I was a little girl. As Stuart the mouse went on his little adventures in the wilderness, I felt a kindred spirit with his restlessness. I remember feeling an odd mixture of sadness and envy as the tiny hero sailed off in his canoe. Travel always awakens the spirit (well, most of the time, anyway--don't ask me about Ensenada).
Now many current books for women utilize the "year in the life abroad" theme. Women take time out of their rountine lives in Podunk, USA to travel to exotic locales to find themselves and recharge their batteries. These are coming-of-age books for us chicks. Books such as "Eat Pray Love"(Italy, India, Indonesia) "Under the Tuscan Sun" (Italy) and "No Reservations" (France, Italy) are defining works of that genre. Basically, women are burned out, fed up and want to get the hell away from familiar surroundings and circumstances to find themselves.
Not that any of us have ever thought, "Let me out of here!" (Yeah, right.)
One day, not long ago, I felt sorry for myself because I was not in a position to venture off into the wild blue yonder to claim my forgotten spirit. I simply had too much laundry to do. The twenty something girl who once fearlessly took a Greyhound bus across country enroute to New York City was lost long ago (that was 1983, fresh out of college). I wondered, though, how a person with work and/or family obligations could shape their lives so that newness and excitement could be within reach even without travel. We all want to feel that spark of adventure.
The answer came to me: we need to be tourists in our own town. And to be a hometown tourist, you must agree to do three things:
1. Drink coffee at a local hangout (Starbucks, coffee shop of your choice) and people watch. Strike up a conversation with someone you've never met. Read the paper. Stare out the window. Eavesdrop (one of my personal favorites).
2. Take walks. It is amazing what I see on my daily sojurns into our lovely paseos. People's gardens are interesting to see (I love gnomes), the change of seasons is always on display, and cute dogs in sweaters usually allow me to pet them. Some days I get lucky and see squirrels mating. Today, in fact, I hit the paseo jack pot: three big crows fighting over a squirrel carcass on the road. I know this sounds morbid, but it is a rather comical when you witness this call of the wild for yourself.
3. Plan evenings out. Find new things to do. My husband and I have discovered local theater. So it's not Broadway or London, but I always feel rejuvenated after seeing a live performance. For me, it's a little more thought provoking than many of the movies being shown these days. Or on evenings when there is a gorgeous sunset, we will take a walk and enjoy the view for free.
Alright, so I can't go to Paris at this time in my life. But I can sit in a cafe looking nonchalantly mysterious just like a chic Parisian might. Or see a live musical like a literate Londoner...or hike in the nearby mountains like an outdoorsy Italian. Those of us who have to recharge our batteries on home turf have to be creative and look at our own neighborhood with fresh eyes.
Au revoir!
Friday, January 29, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Reinvention
Reinvention. Ah, just the word conjures up day spas, mani/pedis and a spiffy new hair "do". Or, if you are Madonna or Lady Gaga, it means you spend hundreds of thousands of dollars so that people won't recognize you at all. (Admittedly, there is something appealing about no one knowing who you are...) But reinvention should involve more than superficial camouflagey type of changes.
Yesterday afternoon, on my way out of Ralphs with the usual basket of milk, toilet paper and bananas, I got my hot little hands on the latest issue of "More" magazine. In this publication geared towards women over for-tay, the editor-in-chief, Lesley Jane Seymour (cool name, eh? my Brit history fans out there) discusses reinvention and how she is incorporating small changes into her own life. The picture of Ms. Seymour shows an extremely attractive woman with gorgeous carmel colored hair, wrinkle-free skin and toned arms. Yet she says in her editor's letter that "Although much of this reinvention thing is inspiring and motivating, sometimes other people's accomplishments make me feel like a loser." Say what?
Naturally, my twisted mind thinks that if lovely, ultra-successful, New York lady Lesley can feel like a loser, than where does that lead the rest of us with our humble lives? Is it me, or has our drive to achieve taken us to these crazy mindsets that we can never do enough to feel like winners?
I am at once sympathetic and appalled at Ms. Seymour's statement. Why? First and foremost, I believe women are too hard on themselves. Since we have been "liberated" it has led to the assumption that we have to be super human in order to be accomplished. The desire to have a WOW factor career, raise healthy, well-adjusted children and maintain balance in one's personal life has led to achievement overload. Meanwhile, our homes have to be creatively decorated and we have to bake yummilicious brownies -- with our make up and high heels on!
Yes, women took off their girdles and bras in the 1960s, but I think they exchanged these restrictive harnesses for invisible chastity belts that restricted their deepest sense of personal freedom. We had to "be something" to "be worthy."
More and more I aim to do less and less, and feel better for it. I have reinvented my priorities and redefined personal achievement. I, too, used to have big career dreams so I know the power of that drive. I also know what it feels like to have to stick your kid in a camp they absolutely hate just because you have to be at work every winter and summer vacation. Or when your kid is still sick with a fever and your boss is pissed off because you haven't come in to work for two days. Just ask my son...and his therapist. I hit a point in my life where I said, "No more!"
The best reinvention is of the heart and spirit kind. We all want to look good (or be unrecognizable -- I definitely want to try that!) Ironically, in this same issue of "More" there is an article about three women, all former beauty magazine editors from Manhattan, who moved to other cities (Miami, Los Angeles and Boulder) and detoxed from the pressures of having big careers and heavy duty beauty routines. They are all gorgeously relaxed with their reinvented, simplified lifestyles. They let go of ideals of perfection and super achievement and are much happier.
Thoreau said in Walden's Pond, "Simplify! Simplify! Simplify!" Of course he was a single guy sittin' at the edge of a pond with nothing to do, but he had the right idea. Ah, yes, reinvention...perhaps I'll go blonde.
Yesterday afternoon, on my way out of Ralphs with the usual basket of milk, toilet paper and bananas, I got my hot little hands on the latest issue of "More" magazine. In this publication geared towards women over for-tay, the editor-in-chief, Lesley Jane Seymour (cool name, eh? my Brit history fans out there) discusses reinvention and how she is incorporating small changes into her own life. The picture of Ms. Seymour shows an extremely attractive woman with gorgeous carmel colored hair, wrinkle-free skin and toned arms. Yet she says in her editor's letter that "Although much of this reinvention thing is inspiring and motivating, sometimes other people's accomplishments make me feel like a loser." Say what?
Naturally, my twisted mind thinks that if lovely, ultra-successful, New York lady Lesley can feel like a loser, than where does that lead the rest of us with our humble lives? Is it me, or has our drive to achieve taken us to these crazy mindsets that we can never do enough to feel like winners?
I am at once sympathetic and appalled at Ms. Seymour's statement. Why? First and foremost, I believe women are too hard on themselves. Since we have been "liberated" it has led to the assumption that we have to be super human in order to be accomplished. The desire to have a WOW factor career, raise healthy, well-adjusted children and maintain balance in one's personal life has led to achievement overload. Meanwhile, our homes have to be creatively decorated and we have to bake yummilicious brownies -- with our make up and high heels on!
Yes, women took off their girdles and bras in the 1960s, but I think they exchanged these restrictive harnesses for invisible chastity belts that restricted their deepest sense of personal freedom. We had to "be something" to "be worthy."
More and more I aim to do less and less, and feel better for it. I have reinvented my priorities and redefined personal achievement. I, too, used to have big career dreams so I know the power of that drive. I also know what it feels like to have to stick your kid in a camp they absolutely hate just because you have to be at work every winter and summer vacation. Or when your kid is still sick with a fever and your boss is pissed off because you haven't come in to work for two days. Just ask my son...and his therapist. I hit a point in my life where I said, "No more!"
The best reinvention is of the heart and spirit kind. We all want to look good (or be unrecognizable -- I definitely want to try that!) Ironically, in this same issue of "More" there is an article about three women, all former beauty magazine editors from Manhattan, who moved to other cities (Miami, Los Angeles and Boulder) and detoxed from the pressures of having big careers and heavy duty beauty routines. They are all gorgeously relaxed with their reinvented, simplified lifestyles. They let go of ideals of perfection and super achievement and are much happier.
Thoreau said in Walden's Pond, "Simplify! Simplify! Simplify!" Of course he was a single guy sittin' at the edge of a pond with nothing to do, but he had the right idea. Ah, yes, reinvention...perhaps I'll go blonde.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Just Say...Yes!
Lately there is a theme running throughout my own life: too much to do and too little time to do it. This same theme resonates with many, if not most, of my friends as well. Talking with people I see the same pattern of behavior, we take on too many committments and then become completely overwhelmed, frustrated and angry. The next thing we know we have reached the final frontier -- exhaustion. The sad thing is we do all this running around and voluteering for the sake of others and we pay the biggest price.
The reason why this vicious cycle happens is easy to pinpoint: women are nice nerds.
Niceness, fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it) is ingrained in the female psyche from the earliest age. We hear from our parents, "now be a good girl and listen to your teacher...be nice, and do what you're told..." The nicer we are, the more obedient we are. The nicer we are, the more people will like us. The nicer we are, the more trinkets we get. This is all well and good when we are little and we have to survive both our dysfunctional home lives and the educational system intact. However, this "nice" mentality starts to backfire as we get older because the stakes are higher. No longer are we trying to please only our parents or our teachers, but we are trying to please EVERYBODY ON EARTH! We want to please the kids, husband, pets, parents, boss, siblings, friends, pets of friends, PTA people, teachers, long lost cousins, Aunt Mable, church, synagogue, weird neighbors, etc. To infinity and beyond!
We are talking about nice to the nth degree.
That is why I say, "Just Say Yes!"
Wait a minute, Cheryl. You have often said to your friends to "Just Say No." (Remember Nancy Regan in her ultra expensive red designer suit telling ghetto kids to "Just Say No" to drugs? Whether the slogan worked or not, it was catchy...) I've decided to pull a fast one and turn that phrase on its head.
I say, "Just Say Yes" to yourself! Give yourself time to just be. Give yourself the luxury of having a few hours to do NOTHING for anyone! I know that for some who are extreme do-gooders, this will be like weaning a drug addict off of crack. So go into nice rehab and say "yes" to that magical elixir known as free time. But just one warning: when you put yourself first, no one will tell you that you are nice or wonderful or the best mom, wife, or whatever. You will just have to quietly pat yourself on the back and relax.
The reason why this vicious cycle happens is easy to pinpoint: women are nice nerds.
Niceness, fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it) is ingrained in the female psyche from the earliest age. We hear from our parents, "now be a good girl and listen to your teacher...be nice, and do what you're told..." The nicer we are, the more obedient we are. The nicer we are, the more people will like us. The nicer we are, the more trinkets we get. This is all well and good when we are little and we have to survive both our dysfunctional home lives and the educational system intact. However, this "nice" mentality starts to backfire as we get older because the stakes are higher. No longer are we trying to please only our parents or our teachers, but we are trying to please EVERYBODY ON EARTH! We want to please the kids, husband, pets, parents, boss, siblings, friends, pets of friends, PTA people, teachers, long lost cousins, Aunt Mable, church, synagogue, weird neighbors, etc. To infinity and beyond!
We are talking about nice to the nth degree.
That is why I say, "Just Say Yes!"
Wait a minute, Cheryl. You have often said to your friends to "Just Say No." (Remember Nancy Regan in her ultra expensive red designer suit telling ghetto kids to "Just Say No" to drugs? Whether the slogan worked or not, it was catchy...) I've decided to pull a fast one and turn that phrase on its head.
I say, "Just Say Yes" to yourself! Give yourself time to just be. Give yourself the luxury of having a few hours to do NOTHING for anyone! I know that for some who are extreme do-gooders, this will be like weaning a drug addict off of crack. So go into nice rehab and say "yes" to that magical elixir known as free time. But just one warning: when you put yourself first, no one will tell you that you are nice or wonderful or the best mom, wife, or whatever. You will just have to quietly pat yourself on the back and relax.
Monday, January 25, 2010
This is My Mid-Life Year
It's been too long since I wrote on this blog. Let's call it life with two kids. But seriously, I have been thinking there are no excuses, and so I remain excuseless (is that a word?). Now this November I turn 50 years old. Yes, the big five-o. Have been reading about ways to look ten years younger, etc. Charla Krupp's book is pretty good, and I have been wearing the pink lipstick and dark jeans, cut my bangs, etc. However, yesterday I went to buy some art supplies with my six year old daughter and the sales lady says cheerfully to my girl, "You're out shopping with grandma?"
Let's just say, "Ouch!"
I told the lady I was not her grandma, but rather her mother. I was polite. Honest, I was! She apoligized. But, oh, what a moment that has lingered with me. So much so that here I am today writing about what this kind of remark feels like. It feels crappy and it makes me realize that no matter how hard I try to deflect my age, it is creeping up on me anyway.
The good news is, one can try too hard. I am kind of a natural person or "low maintenance" as Charla would label me. So after yesterday's debacle, I woke up to the fact that the two most important things I need to do are to: stay in shape and be natural. I try and walk every day for thirty minutes (a New Year's Resolution that I've actually been keeping) and have been eating more fruits and vegetables. I have given up caffeine. I am having a hard time giving up sweets; so I have just reduced how much of the sugary stuff I devour in a day.
I wear comfortable clothes that are simple and stylish. I just bought one of those heavier necklaces that are popular now -- lots of chains in different textures -- and that piece of jewelry gives me an "edge" (or at least I think so!). I color my hair but fantasize about how easy it would be to just go gray.
This is where I'm at. The baby steps add up to the big changes, I believe. This year I will put this philosophy to the test! And I promise to write more, too.
Let's just say, "Ouch!"
I told the lady I was not her grandma, but rather her mother. I was polite. Honest, I was! She apoligized. But, oh, what a moment that has lingered with me. So much so that here I am today writing about what this kind of remark feels like. It feels crappy and it makes me realize that no matter how hard I try to deflect my age, it is creeping up on me anyway.
The good news is, one can try too hard. I am kind of a natural person or "low maintenance" as Charla would label me. So after yesterday's debacle, I woke up to the fact that the two most important things I need to do are to: stay in shape and be natural. I try and walk every day for thirty minutes (a New Year's Resolution that I've actually been keeping) and have been eating more fruits and vegetables. I have given up caffeine. I am having a hard time giving up sweets; so I have just reduced how much of the sugary stuff I devour in a day.
I wear comfortable clothes that are simple and stylish. I just bought one of those heavier necklaces that are popular now -- lots of chains in different textures -- and that piece of jewelry gives me an "edge" (or at least I think so!). I color my hair but fantasize about how easy it would be to just go gray.
This is where I'm at. The baby steps add up to the big changes, I believe. This year I will put this philosophy to the test! And I promise to write more, too.
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