The Anti-Romance Romance

Earlier this week I wrote about some of our favorite love stories. By and large, these heart warming tales revolve around the "boy meets girl" plot. Usually, this plot involves the reconciliation of differences between the main characters as they begin their journey into a meaningful long term relationship. Usually, the protagonists don't like each other in the beginning, but soon enough they realize they are soul-mates.

But what happens after the credits roll and the sweethearts drive off into the sunset? I'll tell you: real life. Life with all of its disappointments, mistakes, miscommunication, highs, lows and inbetweens. Even if our first dates, weddings and/or early experiences with our sweeties might be considered romantic, it is the stuff of everyday living that challenges even the most romantic of us.

Yesterday I watched (for the fourth? fifth? time) one of my favorite films, The Painted Veil, with Edward Norton as Dr. Walter Fane, a microbiologist, and Naomi Watts as his wife, Kitty Fane. The film, based on the book by W. Somerset Maugham, takes place in Colonial-era (1920s) China, as the two British newlyweds battle adultery, disease and disappointment. This film is not "pretty" like Letters to Juliet, for example. Though I consider Veil's location to be splendid and dramatic, it is not comparable to the lush Italian countryside of Juliet, nor are the main characters as innocent and beautiful.

As I was watching this film, I thought of it as an "anti-romance" romance. Like anti-heroes who are sympathetic despite major character flaws (i.e. Scarlett O'Hara and many of Clint Eastwood's roles, especially Dirty Harry) Veil finds its romance AFTER the characters have been married and hit rock bottom. I don't want to give away too much, but the Fanes find redemption through self-sacrifice and forgiveness. For some reason, every time I watch this movie I feel more loving and forgiving.

Fluffy chick flicks often depict the mere falling in love as the end result. Hey, I love chick flicks like any warm blooded woman does, but as we all know, the early days of love are the easy ones! It is the bumpy journey that love takes us on that is the real deal. I am also reading Joel Osteen's book, Become a Better You. Coincidentally, last night after watching Veil, I started the chapter "Keep the Strife out of Your Life." What he says reflects what the film was all about: that pride can sometimes be our downfall. Osteen writes that often we blame the other person for problems in our relationship, when we have to take responsibility for our own actions. Pride, for instance, can keep people at a distance. Harping on differences of opinion, or worse, wanting our dear ones to be somebody they are not, can create deep fizzures in the bond between two people. He writes, "When you cover a person's weaknesses and go the extra mile to keep strife out of your home, you are sowing a seed for God to do work in that other person."

Osteen is suggesting we employ the anti-romance tactic. If we overlook the faults and focus on the good virtues of our spouses, than more good virtues will emerge. Red roses and candy are nice to receive once a year, but a daily dose of appreciation is what keeps the glass half full all year long. This is often not easy. Sometimes, we just want to find fault and argue our point until we WIN! And most of the time, if not all, anger only makes matters worse. In other words, being right isn't always right.

This Valentine's Day, along with your usual celebration, make a list of all of your loved one's good qualities. Overlook any faults or shortcomings. See what happens, and let the anti-romance sparks fly!

Hugs and kisses from my castle!

What are YOUR favorite love stories?

Recently I asked my FB friends what their favorite romantic films and books are. Here are some of their responses:

Books: Pablo Neruda's 100 Love Sonnets, A Veil of Roses, High Fidelity, Pride and Prejudice, Bridges of Madison County, and Dear John among others. My personal all time favorite book which just happens to be utterly romantic is Jane Eyre with Wuthering Heights a close second. (Hip hip hooray for the Bronte sisters!)

Films drew an interesting array of responses: Return to Me, Always, Before Sunset, Pretty Woman, Four Weddings and a Funeral, Casablanca, Spellbound, When Harry Met Sally, You've Got Mail, Somewhere in Time, Pride and Prejudice, 9-1/2 Weeks, Dangerous Beauty, Under the Tuscan Sun, The Notebook, Tristan and Isolde, Letters to Juliet among others. Most everyone said they could watch their favorite romantic film over and over. We have an Ingrid Bergman fan, too! And by the way, one of my favorite romantic films is Notorious, with Ingrid Bergman and Cary Grant. The poster shown here is the original French version of the film. I bought the poster in Paris many moons ago in one of those tiny, dusty shops where the owner peeks out from behind a cluttered counter. Romantique!

My husband likes the film Eye of the Needle with Donald Sutherland and Kate Nelligan. It helps that the film takes place in WWII, as my husband is a history buff.

My nineteen year old son thinks the current film, Blue Valentine is very representative of relationships. I haven't seen the movie yet. And being his mom, I'm a bit afraid to see it. Some things moms just don't want to know.

Recently I watched the movie, Valentine's Day for the first time. With a huge cast, the film chronicles the highs, lows and inbetweens of people of all ages as they get through another Valentine's Day with all of its expectations and disappointments. I thought the film was okay; what really got my attention, however, was that both my high school and the hotel in Beverly Hills where my mother worked, were used as settings in the film. It was like watching my childhood! What a coincidence! Cool.

I could go on and on about my favorite romantic films. My all-time favorite is West Side Story, with its nod to the tragic Romeo and Juliet and its brilliant music, lyrics and choreography. Here are a few more: Bridges of Madison County, The Horse Whisperer, Notorious (as mentioned above), Sense and Sensibility...oh, dear, I could go on and on. Also, after watching the BBC production of Jane Eyre I couldn't stop crying. I know this is old fashioned of me, but crying is my romantic barometer!

Thanks to all of my friends for taking the time to participate in my incredibly informal survey! I will close with one of the most romantic poems every written, "How do I love thee?" by Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1806-1861).

"How do I love thee?

Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.

I love thee to the level of everyday's

Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.

I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;

I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.

I love thee with a passion put to use

In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose

With my lost saints, --- I love thee with the breath,

Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose,

I shall but love thee better after death."

Love and Peacocks

Love is in the air. And the malls, the market, and especially, at Hallmark! You catch my drift, here. Valentine's Day is now being mass marketed on a grand scale. At my little castle, Valentine's Day begins January 2; my daughter takes out all the pink and red sparkly decorations and begins transforming our house into Valentine heaven. This year we bought little red heart lights that are draped across our fireplace mantel. My girl would paint the whole house pink if she could (her room is pink, so that's a start). Need I also mention that she draws heart after heart after heart...

So what IS love, anyway? People have been asking that question since the dawn of time, so don't expect the answer from one little blogger. :-) Love makes us crazy. Love makes us ecstatic, it makes us miserable, or sometimes it shows up when we least expect it. Love can be forbidden. Or, perhaps, sometimes it is way out in the open. But there is no doubt that amour is what makes the world go 'round and it certainly keeps things interesting! I am in the process of conducting an informal survey of my Facebook friends as to their favorite love stories, whether in book or film version. Stay tuned for the results! (So far, the responses have been awesome!)

There is a difference, however, between love and romance. Love is a broader category; we love our families (ok, most of the time, anyway), friends, pets, our neighborhood, and even our cars and houses. We should love our significant others, too. LOL! But romance is the icing on the cake, the creme de la creme, the tenderest expression of love between two people. Romance induces sparkles in the eyes, a quickening of the heart, and a feeling of spiritual warmth and connectedness. With romance, we do not feel alone, rather we feel appreciated and cared for in a deep, meaningful way. Besides, romance is fun!

I think the human race has romance backwards on some accounts, however. In the animal kingdom the males are usually the ones who have to preen and make themselves attractive in order to woo a mate into -- how should I say this delicately -- a "romantic interlude". With humans, we rely on the female to utilize the right clothes and cosmetics to make herself appealing to the opposite sex. And perfume! How many studies have been done to determine which fragrances are the sexiest? Oddly enough, I have read that men are turned on by the smell of vanilla on women (they like their sweet treats!). Paradoxically, citrus scents are shown to make men think women are younger. What is a gal to do? Most men don't even wear cologne, let alone care about their skin, hair and nails!

Recently, I was witness to romance at the highest level. I was volunteering at The Gentle Barn, a wonderful place where farm animals (and some dogs and cats) are rescued after being in abusive environments and/or being abandoned. I was working in the Upper Barnyard, brushing sheep, goats, pigs, and some adorable calves (one of which licked my hand -- so cute!). Anyway, there was a gorgeous peacock that started fluffing out his magnificent feathers for all to see. The other farm animals just walked past him and paid no notice to his dramatic display. I was with two other women volunteers. We were amazed at this peacock's beauty, but we couldn't figure out why he was hissing and shaking his feathers, and even his whole body. One lady said the feathers were his line of defense; so we just kept our distance from what we thought was an angry peacock.

Later that day, I was signing out at the front office. I mentioned to the young lady at the front desk that the peacock seemed "pissed off." "Oh no," said the staffer, "he just wants a girlfriend. He is trying to attract a chicken." Poor Mr. Peacock! The only "chicks" who took notice of him that day were of the human kind!