Spring and Body Image

Spring is here (almost). My garden is a hubbub of activity, with birds chirping, bees buzzing, lizards scurrying and squirrels mating. I am looking forward to planting basil and lavender, various flowers, and perhaps a tomato plant or two. Last year, I planted a cherry tomato plant that grew like Jack in the Beanstalk. Literally, every day that thing was a foot taller!

I know, however, that for most women spring brings with it a mixed bag of feelings. There is a sense of optimism and anticipation that both longer days and warm temperatures bring. We get an urge to clean our house to the nth degree. Sweep away those spider webs! Wipe down those dusty drawers! We want to freshen up our closets, too, and buy a pretty dress or blouse. But most of all, come springtime, I know a mild sort of panic overtakes many women. For spring means there are only three months until summer. That means the cruel, evil, terrifying monster known as the BATHING SUIT comes out of hibernation. And with the demon bathing suit, we must reveal to the world what we've got. For many of us, this is a daunting thought. With spring, we suddenly find ourselves in a summer slim-down frenzy. I've been there, done that.

A few months ago I read Portia De Rossi's book, Unbearable Lightness, chronicling her behemoth struggle with anorexia and bulimia. She became so obsessed with her weight, for example, that one day after chewing a piece of gum, she started running crazily through a parking lot to burn off the "extra" calories. Basically, she lived off of a few bites of tuna, cigarettes, and butter spray. But Portia was one of the lucky ones. Finally, on the brink of self-destruction, she got a wake up call from her doctor, and began the climb back up to normal eating habits. She had a helpful girlfriend (this is her pre-Ellen days) who showed her how to eat when she was hungry, and stop when she was full. A simple concept when you think of it, but not so easy to embrace after years of self-imposed starvation. During her recovery, Portia discovered her set point weight that was a little more than she wanted, but she learned to accept it. Reading this book is like descending into a deep abyss. Portia isolated herself from friends, family, fun and food in order to achieve the thinness she believed would bring her happiness and success as an actress. Eventually, she awoke from this nightmare and accepted herself (and that included her sexuality, as well).

I know I will never be "skinny". Especially now, at 50 years old, as my metabolism has slowed down and I need to eat less and exercise more just to maintain my weight. There is always that extra ten pounds that seem to linger on my hips, as if to say, "Nah, nah, you can't get me!" This spring I have decided to take a different approach, however. I am using reverse psychology on myself by spending more of my energy simply appreciating what I have, rather than worrying about what I wish I looked like. You can't imagine how much time that frees up! Now, that doesn't mean I'm going to go cupcake crazy, either ('cause I love the cute little guys), or throw caution to the wind. My plan is to eat healthy, watch portion control, and exercise. I am opting for health and balance over anxiety and despair. We will see where that takes me and my shape! I will let you know!

I'll admit that I have yet to go swimsuit shopping this season! But I DO know that with all the suffering going on in the world, I feel it is more important to be grateful for what I have, even with my imperfections. In times like these, we have to keep our minor flaws in perspective. After all, spring is the epitome of abundance, beauty and awakening. Take care and enjoy the moment!

To Set Goals or Not to Set Goals...

Goals scare me. For some reason, the minute I set a big goal, I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I've bitten off more than I can chew. So let me clarify this: I used to set big goals, but not anymore. Nowadays, I set bite sized goals and go from there.

For instance, this blog was a little itty bitty goal about two years ago. I started with a blog once a month or so. Then I stopped. Completely. Then I decided last year to try and blog "more often." That was my so called "big goal." It worked, because I did write a little more consistently than the previous year. Somewhere in the middle of last year I realized that I really enjoyed this blog stuff, and I increased my output. By and large, I try to write once a week now, give or take. Some months are more hectic than others. I don't stress about not writing. I know deep down I'll make up for the lost time. I guess I'm more relaxed about blogging now because I conquered my fear of actually achieving my goal! Am I too complicated? Probably. But I am not alone.

About a month ago I was watching the TV show, What Not To Wear. I'm not a big TV watcher, but I stumbled upon this episode and felt instant kismet with that week's makeover subject. Her name was Angie, and she was a young mother who had met two HUGE goals: she lost 35 pounds and quit smoking! Yay, Angie! However, Angie was in a dilemma. Her clothes, her hair, her whole style was off. She couldn't figure out what to do. Here she had conquered two mega goals, and she was at a loss about what next to do with herself.

Quite simply, Angie had post goal traumatic stress syndrome (a new term I've invented for this blog) or PGTS. PGTS happens when a person meets (or exceeds) her initial goal and then freaks out. Angie's problem was that prior to meeting her goals, she was a party girl with a fun social life. That social life entailed playing pool, eating, drinking and you guessed it, smoking. Because she was a young mom, she finally realized that her party life was not healthy, and she wanted to make better choices and to be a better person. Awesome! But when she reached her goals, she missed her old party self. She mourned the life that the old party Angie had, even though she knew inside that she was doing the right thing.

Throughout the show, hosts Stacy London and Clinton Kelly brought up the idea that Angie was dressing like a "sad mommy" and kept her old clothes because she was afraid to let go of her old fun loving self. Angie wept, too, saying "I don't know who I am." Meeting her goals had put Angie in PGTS because she felt a loss of identity. I'm sure many women can relate to Angie's story in one way or another. When our lives transition from one "role" (party girl to mom, or single woman to married, married woman to divorced, or stay-at-home mom to working woman) it is normal to feel sadness. In Angie's case, even losing weight and a bad habit created havoc in her equilibrium. Like I mentioned earlier, meeting goals scares me and now I know why: because it heralds change. And change, albeit a good thing most of the time, is scary!

How did Angie transcend her sad mommy exterior? With the right hair style (shorter, darker), makeup (more of it) and new, hip clothes that reflected a "happy, successful" mom. Certainly, Angie had to step up to the plate and decide that she was ready to embody her pretty exterior. She could go out and have fun, work at an office, and still be a wonderful mom. Many times our outer self -- how we look -- has to express what we are not quite ready to feel inside. If we dress or act the part, sooner or later, our fears and/or doubts subside and we can transform into the butterfly we are meant to be.

Still, goals scare me. But then again, what would life be without them? And being afraid of accomplishing things is no excuse not to pursue our dreams and desires. I'm hoping the "new" Angie has mourned her old self and taken firm root in her healthier, more stable self. I found a lot of inspiration from her story. The cautionary tale is there, though: be ready to accept the goals you achieve, and be especially willing to enjoy your victories!

What works for me is making step-by-step goals so I can enjoy mini-wins along the way. Didn't someone (who I don't know) say it is the journey that counts more than arriving at the destination?

Now go ahead and make those goals and enjoy the climb!!!

The Anti-Romance Romance

Earlier this week I wrote about some of our favorite love stories. By and large, these heart warming tales revolve around the "boy meets girl" plot. Usually, this plot involves the reconciliation of differences between the main characters as they begin their journey into a meaningful long term relationship. Usually, the protagonists don't like each other in the beginning, but soon enough they realize they are soul-mates.

But what happens after the credits roll and the sweethearts drive off into the sunset? I'll tell you: real life. Life with all of its disappointments, mistakes, miscommunication, highs, lows and inbetweens. Even if our first dates, weddings and/or early experiences with our sweeties might be considered romantic, it is the stuff of everyday living that challenges even the most romantic of us.

Yesterday I watched (for the fourth? fifth? time) one of my favorite films, The Painted Veil, with Edward Norton as Dr. Walter Fane, a microbiologist, and Naomi Watts as his wife, Kitty Fane. The film, based on the book by W. Somerset Maugham, takes place in Colonial-era (1920s) China, as the two British newlyweds battle adultery, disease and disappointment. This film is not "pretty" like Letters to Juliet, for example. Though I consider Veil's location to be splendid and dramatic, it is not comparable to the lush Italian countryside of Juliet, nor are the main characters as innocent and beautiful.

As I was watching this film, I thought of it as an "anti-romance" romance. Like anti-heroes who are sympathetic despite major character flaws (i.e. Scarlett O'Hara and many of Clint Eastwood's roles, especially Dirty Harry) Veil finds its romance AFTER the characters have been married and hit rock bottom. I don't want to give away too much, but the Fanes find redemption through self-sacrifice and forgiveness. For some reason, every time I watch this movie I feel more loving and forgiving.

Fluffy chick flicks often depict the mere falling in love as the end result. Hey, I love chick flicks like any warm blooded woman does, but as we all know, the early days of love are the easy ones! It is the bumpy journey that love takes us on that is the real deal. I am also reading Joel Osteen's book, Become a Better You. Coincidentally, last night after watching Veil, I started the chapter "Keep the Strife out of Your Life." What he says reflects what the film was all about: that pride can sometimes be our downfall. Osteen writes that often we blame the other person for problems in our relationship, when we have to take responsibility for our own actions. Pride, for instance, can keep people at a distance. Harping on differences of opinion, or worse, wanting our dear ones to be somebody they are not, can create deep fizzures in the bond between two people. He writes, "When you cover a person's weaknesses and go the extra mile to keep strife out of your home, you are sowing a seed for God to do work in that other person."

Osteen is suggesting we employ the anti-romance tactic. If we overlook the faults and focus on the good virtues of our spouses, than more good virtues will emerge. Red roses and candy are nice to receive once a year, but a daily dose of appreciation is what keeps the glass half full all year long. This is often not easy. Sometimes, we just want to find fault and argue our point until we WIN! And most of the time, if not all, anger only makes matters worse. In other words, being right isn't always right.

This Valentine's Day, along with your usual celebration, make a list of all of your loved one's good qualities. Overlook any faults or shortcomings. See what happens, and let the anti-romance sparks fly!

Hugs and kisses from my castle!

What are YOUR favorite love stories?

Recently I asked my FB friends what their favorite romantic films and books are. Here are some of their responses:

Books: Pablo Neruda's 100 Love Sonnets, A Veil of Roses, High Fidelity, Pride and Prejudice, Bridges of Madison County, and Dear John among others. My personal all time favorite book which just happens to be utterly romantic is Jane Eyre with Wuthering Heights a close second. (Hip hip hooray for the Bronte sisters!)

Films drew an interesting array of responses: Return to Me, Always, Before Sunset, Pretty Woman, Four Weddings and a Funeral, Casablanca, Spellbound, When Harry Met Sally, You've Got Mail, Somewhere in Time, Pride and Prejudice, 9-1/2 Weeks, Dangerous Beauty, Under the Tuscan Sun, The Notebook, Tristan and Isolde, Letters to Juliet among others. Most everyone said they could watch their favorite romantic film over and over. We have an Ingrid Bergman fan, too! And by the way, one of my favorite romantic films is Notorious, with Ingrid Bergman and Cary Grant. The poster shown here is the original French version of the film. I bought the poster in Paris many moons ago in one of those tiny, dusty shops where the owner peeks out from behind a cluttered counter. Romantique!

My husband likes the film Eye of the Needle with Donald Sutherland and Kate Nelligan. It helps that the film takes place in WWII, as my husband is a history buff.

My nineteen year old son thinks the current film, Blue Valentine is very representative of relationships. I haven't seen the movie yet. And being his mom, I'm a bit afraid to see it. Some things moms just don't want to know.

Recently I watched the movie, Valentine's Day for the first time. With a huge cast, the film chronicles the highs, lows and inbetweens of people of all ages as they get through another Valentine's Day with all of its expectations and disappointments. I thought the film was okay; what really got my attention, however, was that both my high school and the hotel in Beverly Hills where my mother worked, were used as settings in the film. It was like watching my childhood! What a coincidence! Cool.

I could go on and on about my favorite romantic films. My all-time favorite is West Side Story, with its nod to the tragic Romeo and Juliet and its brilliant music, lyrics and choreography. Here are a few more: Bridges of Madison County, The Horse Whisperer, Notorious (as mentioned above), Sense and Sensibility...oh, dear, I could go on and on. Also, after watching the BBC production of Jane Eyre I couldn't stop crying. I know this is old fashioned of me, but crying is my romantic barometer!

Thanks to all of my friends for taking the time to participate in my incredibly informal survey! I will close with one of the most romantic poems every written, "How do I love thee?" by Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1806-1861).

"How do I love thee?

Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.

I love thee to the level of everyday's

Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.

I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;

I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.

I love thee with a passion put to use

In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose

With my lost saints, --- I love thee with the breath,

Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose,

I shall but love thee better after death."

Love and Peacocks

Love is in the air. And the malls, the market, and especially, at Hallmark! You catch my drift, here. Valentine's Day is now being mass marketed on a grand scale. At my little castle, Valentine's Day begins January 2; my daughter takes out all the pink and red sparkly decorations and begins transforming our house into Valentine heaven. This year we bought little red heart lights that are draped across our fireplace mantel. My girl would paint the whole house pink if she could (her room is pink, so that's a start). Need I also mention that she draws heart after heart after heart...

So what IS love, anyway? People have been asking that question since the dawn of time, so don't expect the answer from one little blogger. :-) Love makes us crazy. Love makes us ecstatic, it makes us miserable, or sometimes it shows up when we least expect it. Love can be forbidden. Or, perhaps, sometimes it is way out in the open. But there is no doubt that amour is what makes the world go 'round and it certainly keeps things interesting! I am in the process of conducting an informal survey of my Facebook friends as to their favorite love stories, whether in book or film version. Stay tuned for the results! (So far, the responses have been awesome!)

There is a difference, however, between love and romance. Love is a broader category; we love our families (ok, most of the time, anyway), friends, pets, our neighborhood, and even our cars and houses. We should love our significant others, too. LOL! But romance is the icing on the cake, the creme de la creme, the tenderest expression of love between two people. Romance induces sparkles in the eyes, a quickening of the heart, and a feeling of spiritual warmth and connectedness. With romance, we do not feel alone, rather we feel appreciated and cared for in a deep, meaningful way. Besides, romance is fun!

I think the human race has romance backwards on some accounts, however. In the animal kingdom the males are usually the ones who have to preen and make themselves attractive in order to woo a mate into -- how should I say this delicately -- a "romantic interlude". With humans, we rely on the female to utilize the right clothes and cosmetics to make herself appealing to the opposite sex. And perfume! How many studies have been done to determine which fragrances are the sexiest? Oddly enough, I have read that men are turned on by the smell of vanilla on women (they like their sweet treats!). Paradoxically, citrus scents are shown to make men think women are younger. What is a gal to do? Most men don't even wear cologne, let alone care about their skin, hair and nails!

Recently, I was witness to romance at the highest level. I was volunteering at The Gentle Barn, a wonderful place where farm animals (and some dogs and cats) are rescued after being in abusive environments and/or being abandoned. I was working in the Upper Barnyard, brushing sheep, goats, pigs, and some adorable calves (one of which licked my hand -- so cute!). Anyway, there was a gorgeous peacock that started fluffing out his magnificent feathers for all to see. The other farm animals just walked past him and paid no notice to his dramatic display. I was with two other women volunteers. We were amazed at this peacock's beauty, but we couldn't figure out why he was hissing and shaking his feathers, and even his whole body. One lady said the feathers were his line of defense; so we just kept our distance from what we thought was an angry peacock.

Later that day, I was signing out at the front office. I mentioned to the young lady at the front desk that the peacock seemed "pissed off." "Oh no," said the staffer, "he just wants a girlfriend. He is trying to attract a chicken." Poor Mr. Peacock! The only "chicks" who took notice of him that day were of the human kind!

Keeping Cool...and I'm Not Talking About the Weather

Last week I wrote about winter, and how I enjoy the cooler weather. Today, I'd like to discuss how to keep our inner "chill" when we are angry or upset. When we are in a heated situation, how do we stay cool, calm and collected? I believe it is a skill, even an art form, if you will, to develop self control.

Needless to say, as a substitute teacher, I am often in tense situations. I see the best and unfortunately, the worst in young people. They are testing their boundaries in every way. I can tell what kind of class I'm going to have the minute they walk into the room. If they are celebrating the fact that they have a sub, I know I could be in for it. Do they sit in their seats or on top of the desks? Are they shouting across the room oblivious to the fact that there is an adult in the room? Do they open their backpacks and take out their supplies, or just stare into space with their Ipods on?

Admittedly, I sometimes feel my blood pressure rise. When I feel the stress, I follow basic anger management techniques: I take a few deep breaths and count to ten. I learned early on in my teaching career that if you start screaming at the kids, it only makes the situation worse. If the students see a teacher "lose it" then they have "won" the battle and all hell could break lose. So I take my breaths. I remain calm and I wait. Literally, wait. I will say, "I'm waiting." Nine times out of ten, I don't have to say anything more; the students see that I am standing there, waiting for them to quiet down, and they will tell each other to stop talking.

Positive reinforcement works wonders, too. Instead of focusing on the troublemakers, I will complement those students who are on task. It makes me feel good, and brings a positive vibe to the environment. This technique works especially well with Junior High Schoolers, who are like puppy dogs wanting attention and rewards.

I fear that with the onslaught of reality shows or TV shows for teenagers like "Skins" that condone dysfunctional behavior, people young and old do not have behavioral role models. Not too long ago on the popular daytime talk show, "The View," hosts Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar stormed off stage because of guest Bill O'Reilly's comments on the proposed mosque near ground zero in New York City. Who saved the day? Barbara Walters, a seasoned professional, who kept her cool and managed to get in her opinion without shouting. She disagreed with O'Reilly in a civil manner and said that though she loved her colleagues, it was inexcusable for them to "wash their hands and walk away." Barbara was an example of professionalism, maturity, and grace.

Basically, when we lose our temper, it is very unattractive, and in the end, we lose. When people get angry their whole face gets red. Wrinkles suddenly appear. Perhaps anger ages us more than time itself. This is not to say that we can't get angry or upset now and then. We are human. Remember Emily Post (1872-1960)? Pictured on today's blog, Emily Post was a writer and the quintessential proponent of etiquette and good manners. Post wrote, "The attributes of a great lady may still be found in the rule of the four S's: sincerity, simplicity, sympathy and serenity." Post, who divorced her husband because he was running around with chorus girls and fledgling actresses, certainly got angry, but didn't let her emotions get the best of her. She made a mint writing about how to set a table and behave in public!

If for no other reason than vanity, it is much more becoming to be serene than seething.

Vision Boards -- Part 2

Last week I wrote about vision boards. Some of my loyal -- and royal --readers have asked me some excellent questions about the vision board process. I love questions and comments, by the way, so feel free to always ask away! I shall clarify the process...

First of all, a vision board should be part conscious, part sub-conscious. The conscious part looks like this: gather at least ten of your favorite magazines (varied subjects, too) and spend about two hours going through them and clipping images that stir your psyche. (I mentioned this in the previous blog -- don't "over think" your choices.) I usually start clipping photos a few weeks before I begin my board; sometimes if I am leisurely perusing a magazine and I come across a photo that "wows" me, I will clip it and save it for the following year. If the photo still wows me come January, then it is a keeper.

After you have a reasonable amount of clippings, I believe it is best to assemble your vision board without belaboring the process. In other words, don't spend too much time working on it. You want to have some spontaneity to it, some surprises, and even a little mysterious empty space. I don't usually plan exactly where I'm going to paste my pics, I just sort of go with the flow and let the pictures dictate where they want to go. But I think it is best to set aside a block of time -- say three hours or so -- to complete your board. Brew a pot of tea, turn on some of your favorite music, send the kids out with daddy and let the creative juices flow.

Also, one of my readers suggested that vision boards could also be used for specific projects. For instance, if you are dreaming of how you want to remodel your house -- find pics of cool homes you love and create your perfect interior decorating "vision." Or, if you want to write a novel, clip pics of what your characters might look like, where they live, what happens to them, etc. The list goes on and on.

Remember Ouija boards from our childhood? We were supposed to let the "spirits" guide our fingers to the answers, but in reality, it was our subconscious desires that really led the way!

Vision boards and Ouija boards are cousins; they require equal parts direction and inspiration.

Pictured here is LAST year's vision board. I think I was very heavy handed with the images, so this year I decided to leave more empty space (see previous post). However, I had many photos and quotes about writing -- my focus for 2010.

Good luck, darlings! May your fingers guide you to the perfect vision!