BC Awareness -- Part 5

I am not going to deny that I had many sleepless nights as doubts and fears loomed in my mind about the impending surgery. Was I making the right decision? Did I think through this enough? But all in all, as I did more and more research, I felt like I was on the right path. If I didn't do this, I would have to be monitored like crazy for the rest of my life. I was also at a good age to be able to handle this kind of procedure. After another week or so of reading and basic self-torture, I stopped obsessing. Enough was enough.

I did order a book on how to prepare for a major surgery, though. I will sum up the basic premise of the book: find a happy place, memorize it in your mind's eye, and call upon this place to relax and find peace. Also, the book emphasized using positive affirmations such as "I am healing beautifully," or "I am strong and well," to help boost the immune system. Definitely a new age take on medicine, but useful in any stressful situation!

My "happy place" was my backyard, even with its squirrels, lizards, weeds and all. As the book suggested, I went to my backyard every day pre-surgery, just to relax, breath deep, and meditate. I use the term "meditate" loosely, however, because whenever I was in the backyard, as much as I tried to relax, I was too distracted. Rather than focusing on the peace and quiet, I kept thinking about all the plants that were in disarray and in need of pruning. Obviously, it was a challenge for me to allow my mind to reach its higher power. My lower powers were calling the shots.

I cleaned closets and drawers. I filed away all my miscellaneous papers, receipts, check stubs, etc., so if anything happened to me, my husband wouldn't find a mess. It was as if I wanted my life to be a blank slate. We took a trip to Legoland so my daughter had one mini trip during her summer vacation.

Finally, the day arrived. Husband and I had to be at the hospital by 5:30 am for the 7:30 surgery. On the ride in, I listened to some music on my MP3 player -- I was into the soundtrack for the musical "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" --and tried to relax as best as I could. But I don't deny that I was terrified. Scared stiff, in fact. My happy place was good for nothing!

After I was admitted, I was brought to the surgical prep area. Anyone who has been in a hospital knows that sinking feeling when you have to take off ALL your clothes, put on the ugly blue gown, lie down on a sterile bed and hope for the best. The nurse had a hard time starting my IV. Scream! The nurse asked if I would like a prayer said by the hospital rabbi. Hell, yeah! I wanted a prayer, I wanted all the help G-d could give me!

In a short amount of time, Rabbi Sarah came to my bed. She had soft brown curls and light blue eyes. She held my hand and asked me a few questions. She asked my mother's name. Then she started the prayer in Hebrew. I don't know Hebrew, but I heard her mention my mother's name and then my name. Looking at her blue eyes and hearing the prayer stirred something deep inside me. I was going through what my mother went through over forty years ago. I could run from my DNA, but I couldn't hide. I tried hard not to cry, really hard, but I couldn't stop myself. I thanked Rabbi Sarah. Sniff, sniff.

Soon, my time came. The surgeon who was removing my ovaries stopped by to say "hello." My husband was with me as I was wheeled to the operating room. We kissed and exchanged "I love yous." Doc PS was already in the OR waiting to "mark me up," which is quite literally what he did with a black marker. I had to be awake for that, as I had to be sitting up. It is quite lovely to be naked while a doctor draws on you as nurses and the anesthesiologist buzz about busily. Doc PS drew lines and dots on my chest and stomach, some for cutting, some for positioning. He said I would have amnesia and not remember the marking! Well, Doc PS, I remember it as clear as day!

The last thing I remember saying to Doc PS was "B-cup." I had my priorities! Over thirteen hours later I woke up to my husband and my best friend forever at my bedside in the ICU. Husband and bff said everything went well. The deed was done. I survived. I went back to sleep.