The Anti-Romance Romance

Earlier this week I wrote about some of our favorite love stories. By and large, these heart warming tales revolve around the "boy meets girl" plot. Usually, this plot involves the reconciliation of differences between the main characters as they begin their journey into a meaningful long term relationship. Usually, the protagonists don't like each other in the beginning, but soon enough they realize they are soul-mates.

But what happens after the credits roll and the sweethearts drive off into the sunset? I'll tell you: real life. Life with all of its disappointments, mistakes, miscommunication, highs, lows and inbetweens. Even if our first dates, weddings and/or early experiences with our sweeties might be considered romantic, it is the stuff of everyday living that challenges even the most romantic of us.

Yesterday I watched (for the fourth? fifth? time) one of my favorite films, The Painted Veil, with Edward Norton as Dr. Walter Fane, a microbiologist, and Naomi Watts as his wife, Kitty Fane. The film, based on the book by W. Somerset Maugham, takes place in Colonial-era (1920s) China, as the two British newlyweds battle adultery, disease and disappointment. This film is not "pretty" like Letters to Juliet, for example. Though I consider Veil's location to be splendid and dramatic, it is not comparable to the lush Italian countryside of Juliet, nor are the main characters as innocent and beautiful.

As I was watching this film, I thought of it as an "anti-romance" romance. Like anti-heroes who are sympathetic despite major character flaws (i.e. Scarlett O'Hara and many of Clint Eastwood's roles, especially Dirty Harry) Veil finds its romance AFTER the characters have been married and hit rock bottom. I don't want to give away too much, but the Fanes find redemption through self-sacrifice and forgiveness. For some reason, every time I watch this movie I feel more loving and forgiving.

Fluffy chick flicks often depict the mere falling in love as the end result. Hey, I love chick flicks like any warm blooded woman does, but as we all know, the early days of love are the easy ones! It is the bumpy journey that love takes us on that is the real deal. I am also reading Joel Osteen's book, Become a Better You. Coincidentally, last night after watching Veil, I started the chapter "Keep the Strife out of Your Life." What he says reflects what the film was all about: that pride can sometimes be our downfall. Osteen writes that often we blame the other person for problems in our relationship, when we have to take responsibility for our own actions. Pride, for instance, can keep people at a distance. Harping on differences of opinion, or worse, wanting our dear ones to be somebody they are not, can create deep fizzures in the bond between two people. He writes, "When you cover a person's weaknesses and go the extra mile to keep strife out of your home, you are sowing a seed for God to do work in that other person."

Osteen is suggesting we employ the anti-romance tactic. If we overlook the faults and focus on the good virtues of our spouses, than more good virtues will emerge. Red roses and candy are nice to receive once a year, but a daily dose of appreciation is what keeps the glass half full all year long. This is often not easy. Sometimes, we just want to find fault and argue our point until we WIN! And most of the time, if not all, anger only makes matters worse. In other words, being right isn't always right.

This Valentine's Day, along with your usual celebration, make a list of all of your loved one's good qualities. Overlook any faults or shortcomings. See what happens, and let the anti-romance sparks fly!

Hugs and kisses from my castle!

What are YOUR favorite love stories?

Recently I asked my FB friends what their favorite romantic films and books are. Here are some of their responses:

Books: Pablo Neruda's 100 Love Sonnets, A Veil of Roses, High Fidelity, Pride and Prejudice, Bridges of Madison County, and Dear John among others. My personal all time favorite book which just happens to be utterly romantic is Jane Eyre with Wuthering Heights a close second. (Hip hip hooray for the Bronte sisters!)

Films drew an interesting array of responses: Return to Me, Always, Before Sunset, Pretty Woman, Four Weddings and a Funeral, Casablanca, Spellbound, When Harry Met Sally, You've Got Mail, Somewhere in Time, Pride and Prejudice, 9-1/2 Weeks, Dangerous Beauty, Under the Tuscan Sun, The Notebook, Tristan and Isolde, Letters to Juliet among others. Most everyone said they could watch their favorite romantic film over and over. We have an Ingrid Bergman fan, too! And by the way, one of my favorite romantic films is Notorious, with Ingrid Bergman and Cary Grant. The poster shown here is the original French version of the film. I bought the poster in Paris many moons ago in one of those tiny, dusty shops where the owner peeks out from behind a cluttered counter. Romantique!

My husband likes the film Eye of the Needle with Donald Sutherland and Kate Nelligan. It helps that the film takes place in WWII, as my husband is a history buff.

My nineteen year old son thinks the current film, Blue Valentine is very representative of relationships. I haven't seen the movie yet. And being his mom, I'm a bit afraid to see it. Some things moms just don't want to know.

Recently I watched the movie, Valentine's Day for the first time. With a huge cast, the film chronicles the highs, lows and inbetweens of people of all ages as they get through another Valentine's Day with all of its expectations and disappointments. I thought the film was okay; what really got my attention, however, was that both my high school and the hotel in Beverly Hills where my mother worked, were used as settings in the film. It was like watching my childhood! What a coincidence! Cool.

I could go on and on about my favorite romantic films. My all-time favorite is West Side Story, with its nod to the tragic Romeo and Juliet and its brilliant music, lyrics and choreography. Here are a few more: Bridges of Madison County, The Horse Whisperer, Notorious (as mentioned above), Sense and Sensibility...oh, dear, I could go on and on. Also, after watching the BBC production of Jane Eyre I couldn't stop crying. I know this is old fashioned of me, but crying is my romantic barometer!

Thanks to all of my friends for taking the time to participate in my incredibly informal survey! I will close with one of the most romantic poems every written, "How do I love thee?" by Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1806-1861).

"How do I love thee?

Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.

I love thee to the level of everyday's

Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.

I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;

I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.

I love thee with a passion put to use

In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose

With my lost saints, --- I love thee with the breath,

Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose,

I shall but love thee better after death."

Love and Peacocks

Love is in the air. And the malls, the market, and especially, at Hallmark! You catch my drift, here. Valentine's Day is now being mass marketed on a grand scale. At my little castle, Valentine's Day begins January 2; my daughter takes out all the pink and red sparkly decorations and begins transforming our house into Valentine heaven. This year we bought little red heart lights that are draped across our fireplace mantel. My girl would paint the whole house pink if she could (her room is pink, so that's a start). Need I also mention that she draws heart after heart after heart...

So what IS love, anyway? People have been asking that question since the dawn of time, so don't expect the answer from one little blogger. :-) Love makes us crazy. Love makes us ecstatic, it makes us miserable, or sometimes it shows up when we least expect it. Love can be forbidden. Or, perhaps, sometimes it is way out in the open. But there is no doubt that amour is what makes the world go 'round and it certainly keeps things interesting! I am in the process of conducting an informal survey of my Facebook friends as to their favorite love stories, whether in book or film version. Stay tuned for the results! (So far, the responses have been awesome!)

There is a difference, however, between love and romance. Love is a broader category; we love our families (ok, most of the time, anyway), friends, pets, our neighborhood, and even our cars and houses. We should love our significant others, too. LOL! But romance is the icing on the cake, the creme de la creme, the tenderest expression of love between two people. Romance induces sparkles in the eyes, a quickening of the heart, and a feeling of spiritual warmth and connectedness. With romance, we do not feel alone, rather we feel appreciated and cared for in a deep, meaningful way. Besides, romance is fun!

I think the human race has romance backwards on some accounts, however. In the animal kingdom the males are usually the ones who have to preen and make themselves attractive in order to woo a mate into -- how should I say this delicately -- a "romantic interlude". With humans, we rely on the female to utilize the right clothes and cosmetics to make herself appealing to the opposite sex. And perfume! How many studies have been done to determine which fragrances are the sexiest? Oddly enough, I have read that men are turned on by the smell of vanilla on women (they like their sweet treats!). Paradoxically, citrus scents are shown to make men think women are younger. What is a gal to do? Most men don't even wear cologne, let alone care about their skin, hair and nails!

Recently, I was witness to romance at the highest level. I was volunteering at The Gentle Barn, a wonderful place where farm animals (and some dogs and cats) are rescued after being in abusive environments and/or being abandoned. I was working in the Upper Barnyard, brushing sheep, goats, pigs, and some adorable calves (one of which licked my hand -- so cute!). Anyway, there was a gorgeous peacock that started fluffing out his magnificent feathers for all to see. The other farm animals just walked past him and paid no notice to his dramatic display. I was with two other women volunteers. We were amazed at this peacock's beauty, but we couldn't figure out why he was hissing and shaking his feathers, and even his whole body. One lady said the feathers were his line of defense; so we just kept our distance from what we thought was an angry peacock.

Later that day, I was signing out at the front office. I mentioned to the young lady at the front desk that the peacock seemed "pissed off." "Oh no," said the staffer, "he just wants a girlfriend. He is trying to attract a chicken." Poor Mr. Peacock! The only "chicks" who took notice of him that day were of the human kind!

Keeping Cool...and I'm Not Talking About the Weather

Last week I wrote about winter, and how I enjoy the cooler weather. Today, I'd like to discuss how to keep our inner "chill" when we are angry or upset. When we are in a heated situation, how do we stay cool, calm and collected? I believe it is a skill, even an art form, if you will, to develop self control.

Needless to say, as a substitute teacher, I am often in tense situations. I see the best and unfortunately, the worst in young people. They are testing their boundaries in every way. I can tell what kind of class I'm going to have the minute they walk into the room. If they are celebrating the fact that they have a sub, I know I could be in for it. Do they sit in their seats or on top of the desks? Are they shouting across the room oblivious to the fact that there is an adult in the room? Do they open their backpacks and take out their supplies, or just stare into space with their Ipods on?

Admittedly, I sometimes feel my blood pressure rise. When I feel the stress, I follow basic anger management techniques: I take a few deep breaths and count to ten. I learned early on in my teaching career that if you start screaming at the kids, it only makes the situation worse. If the students see a teacher "lose it" then they have "won" the battle and all hell could break lose. So I take my breaths. I remain calm and I wait. Literally, wait. I will say, "I'm waiting." Nine times out of ten, I don't have to say anything more; the students see that I am standing there, waiting for them to quiet down, and they will tell each other to stop talking.

Positive reinforcement works wonders, too. Instead of focusing on the troublemakers, I will complement those students who are on task. It makes me feel good, and brings a positive vibe to the environment. This technique works especially well with Junior High Schoolers, who are like puppy dogs wanting attention and rewards.

I fear that with the onslaught of reality shows or TV shows for teenagers like "Skins" that condone dysfunctional behavior, people young and old do not have behavioral role models. Not too long ago on the popular daytime talk show, "The View," hosts Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar stormed off stage because of guest Bill O'Reilly's comments on the proposed mosque near ground zero in New York City. Who saved the day? Barbara Walters, a seasoned professional, who kept her cool and managed to get in her opinion without shouting. She disagreed with O'Reilly in a civil manner and said that though she loved her colleagues, it was inexcusable for them to "wash their hands and walk away." Barbara was an example of professionalism, maturity, and grace.

Basically, when we lose our temper, it is very unattractive, and in the end, we lose. When people get angry their whole face gets red. Wrinkles suddenly appear. Perhaps anger ages us more than time itself. This is not to say that we can't get angry or upset now and then. We are human. Remember Emily Post (1872-1960)? Pictured on today's blog, Emily Post was a writer and the quintessential proponent of etiquette and good manners. Post wrote, "The attributes of a great lady may still be found in the rule of the four S's: sincerity, simplicity, sympathy and serenity." Post, who divorced her husband because he was running around with chorus girls and fledgling actresses, certainly got angry, but didn't let her emotions get the best of her. She made a mint writing about how to set a table and behave in public!

If for no other reason than vanity, it is much more becoming to be serene than seething.

Vision Boards -- Part 2

Last week I wrote about vision boards. Some of my loyal -- and royal --readers have asked me some excellent questions about the vision board process. I love questions and comments, by the way, so feel free to always ask away! I shall clarify the process...

First of all, a vision board should be part conscious, part sub-conscious. The conscious part looks like this: gather at least ten of your favorite magazines (varied subjects, too) and spend about two hours going through them and clipping images that stir your psyche. (I mentioned this in the previous blog -- don't "over think" your choices.) I usually start clipping photos a few weeks before I begin my board; sometimes if I am leisurely perusing a magazine and I come across a photo that "wows" me, I will clip it and save it for the following year. If the photo still wows me come January, then it is a keeper.

After you have a reasonable amount of clippings, I believe it is best to assemble your vision board without belaboring the process. In other words, don't spend too much time working on it. You want to have some spontaneity to it, some surprises, and even a little mysterious empty space. I don't usually plan exactly where I'm going to paste my pics, I just sort of go with the flow and let the pictures dictate where they want to go. But I think it is best to set aside a block of time -- say three hours or so -- to complete your board. Brew a pot of tea, turn on some of your favorite music, send the kids out with daddy and let the creative juices flow.

Also, one of my readers suggested that vision boards could also be used for specific projects. For instance, if you are dreaming of how you want to remodel your house -- find pics of cool homes you love and create your perfect interior decorating "vision." Or, if you want to write a novel, clip pics of what your characters might look like, where they live, what happens to them, etc. The list goes on and on.

Remember Ouija boards from our childhood? We were supposed to let the "spirits" guide our fingers to the answers, but in reality, it was our subconscious desires that really led the way!

Vision boards and Ouija boards are cousins; they require equal parts direction and inspiration.

Pictured here is LAST year's vision board. I think I was very heavy handed with the images, so this year I decided to leave more empty space (see previous post). However, I had many photos and quotes about writing -- my focus for 2010.

Good luck, darlings! May your fingers guide you to the perfect vision!

Winter Wonderland?

"The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco." -- Mark Twain

I would like to rewrite Twain's famous statement: "The warmest summer I ever spent was a winter in Santa Clarita." Folks, it is 80 degrees today. I am wearing a t-shirt, skirt and sandals. Where did winter go? My roses, recently pruned for their supposed winter rest cycle, are showing little growths that will turn into branches. Perhaps this is weird, but I'm not ready for those bushes to bear flowers, yet. I want them to stay barren and plain. I do not want to let go of cold weather. How can I explain my behavior?

Two weeks ago we were in the throes of snow right here in Santa Clarita. The last time it snowed here (and stuck to the ground) was nearly 20 years ago! So for those of us West Coasters used to warm winters, the unexpected flurry was all the buzz! Here is a picture of my castle "covered" in snow! Woo hoo! It was an exciting way to bring in the new year. That day I happened to be driving home from an outing to the Staples Center (Clippers lost, nothing new) when I couldn't believe my eyes. The mountains were covered in a layer of soft white snow. My son and his friend were asleep on the ride home, and when I woke them up to see the spectacle, both boys (nineteen years old) were like little kids with their exclamations and ooohhs and aahhs. My son said, "snow makes everything look nice, even these mountains."

I love winter for selfish reasons. Less gardening to do. On a blistery day, what else is there to do but go see a movie or read a good book? Baking (one of my hobbies) is much more fun when it's cold outside. Perhaps it is because I have never had to dig myself out of several feet of snow, that my idealized winter vision is appealing. My family moved to California from Detroit, Michigan -- I was born in the middle of a snow storm there, in fact -- when I was only two years old. I remember seeing my mother's winter coat in the closet. To a child's eyes, that coat looked like a bear. I used to tell my mother how much I wished we still lived in Michigan. She would smile and tell me I didn't know how lucky I was to be in a warmer climate.

My ancestors were Russian, as well, and endured many an extreme winter. Perhaps my yearning for a cold season is in my blood.

I always associate winter, however, with the metaphysical principle of "potentiality." Deepak Chopra writes, "all of creation, everything that exists in the physical world, is the result of the unmanifest transforming itself into the manifest." When I look at a tree in winter that has lost all of its leaves, for example, all I see is bare branches. But within a few months, the tree will change and show its beauty. I think of people in the same way. Sometimes we might feel as if our lives have hit a wall, or we get into a "funk." We can't see into the future, so all that we see at the moment are the things that are going wrong. We might think that the situation or the bad feelings that we harbor will never change. But with a little work, sunshine, the right attitude, our lives can transform.

When you see a caterpillar, do also see a butterfly?

I need the winter to hibernate, take time to self-reflect, and retreat into my little cocoon. I prune my life, just as I prune my roses every January. I am also a believer that the winters, or hard times, in our lives make us stronger. There is a quote by Anne Bradstreet, a poet who lived in New England in the 1600s: "If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome."

What better an expert on enduring harsh winters than a Puritan woman living in Colonial New England!

Vision Boards

Every January I create a vision board. What is a vision board? A "VB" is a tool to help you focus on what you would like to accomplish or acquire. It is a "picture" of your mind's eye and, like the calendar I wrote about earlier this week, sets the tone for your year.

This year my vision board (shown here in all its glory) is neon orange. This is a first for me, as I usually go for more subtle background colors. But it seems that bold colors are expressing themselves in 2011. Think about my yellow roses that brought in the New Year...yes, this year I am painting a palette with bold strokes. Going for broke.

If you notice on this year's VB, I am intentionally focusing on increasing my income. So I have placed money images in several strategic places on my VB. Some pictures I just like for their color or the mood they evoke (like Rebecca Hall wearing a sweater with a couture skirt -- looking oh, so Victorian). Other lovely objects (a new watch, a pair of brown boots) appeal to my materialistic urges. I have a picture (upper right) of a family gathering, and also two frames of Julia Roberts from a photo shoot when Eat Pray Love (love the book!) came out. The overall theme for this year is how to turn my creative energy into a lucrative venture. I wouldn't mind having more spa and pampering time as well!

Now you might be asking: does this mumbo jumbo actually work? Well, I would say that the vision board is only as good as the thought that goes into it. Some years I just slapped one together, and not much happened. Other years I had many uncanny coincidences occur. For instance, one year I really wanted (and needed) a new car, but had no resources in sight to make that expensive a purchase. I pasted a new car on my VB anyway. Within a year, I had my new car. One year I found a picture of a cruise ship. Surprise! That year I went on a cruise when I least expected it. (Perhaps my husband took a peek or two at my board?) The list goes on and on.

Vision boards are fun and easy to make! All you need is a poster board, glue, scissors, a bunch of magazines, imagination and a little time to focus. A glass of wine or a cup of tea helps, too! My VB this year is not as cluttered with pictures as it has been in previous years. I think that's because I honestly don't want a lot of "stuff" this year. I'd much prefer to invest in travel and having new experiences. Last year's board was filled to the brim with writing images, and hence, I started this blog.

Last June, Oprah magazine had an excellent article on vision boards by Martha Beck. She advocated selecting pictures that draw an emotional feeling, rather than just images of pretty things. She writes, "a vision board has to come not from your culture but from your primordial, nonsocial self--the genetically animal/angel that contains your innate preferences." In other words, clip pics that appeal to you for no reason at all, but trigger a gut or physical reaction. Sometimes you will surprise yourself and discover something new. Clipping picture after picture of skinny women, for instance, will not help you achieve your dream body. Don't always go for cliches, go for abstract, nuanced images. Think outside the box, or board, I should say.

Remember, the purpose of a vision board is to hold up an image of what you would like to enter your life. Martha Beck says the VB is there "to focus your attention--briefly. After that, the less mental strain you feel, the sooner good things will happen."

And who doesn't want good things to happen?